How Do Lesbians Have Sex? 30 Things to Know Before Your First Time

How Do Lesbians Have Sex

About Lesbian and How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

lesbian is a homosexual woman. The word lesbian is also used for women in relation to their sexual identity or sexual behavior, regardless of sexual orientation, or as an adjective to characterize or associate nouns with female homosexuality or same-sex attraction.

The concept of “lesbian” to differentiate women with a shared sexual orientation evolved in the 20th century. Throughout history, women have not had the same freedom or independence as men to pursue homosexual relationships, but neither have they met the same harsh punishment as homosexual men in some societies. Instead, lesbian relationships have often been regarded as harmless, unless a participant attempts to assert privileges traditionally enjoyed by men.

As a result, little in history was documented to give an accurate description of how female homosexuality was expressed. When early sexologists in the late 19th century began to categorize and describe homosexual behavior, hampered by a lack of knowledge about homosexuality or women’s sexuality, they distinguished lesbians as women who did not adhere to female gender roles. They classified them as mentally ill—a designation which has been reversed since the late 20th century in the global scientific community.

Women in homosexual relationships in Europe and the United States responded to the discrimination and repression either by hiding their personal lives, or accepting the label of outcast and creating a subculture and identity. Following World War II, during a period of social repression when governments actively persecuted homosexuals, women developed networks to socialize with and educate each other. Gaining greater economic and social freedom allowed them to determine how they could form relationships and families.

With second wave feminism and the growth of scholarship in women’s history and sexuality in the late 20th century, the definition of lesbian broadened, leading to debate about the term’s use. While research by Lisa M. Diamond identified sexual desire as the core component for defining lesbians, some women who engage in same-sex sexual activity may reject not only identifying as lesbians but as bisexual as well. Other women’s self-identification as lesbian may not align with their sexual orientation or sexual behavior. Sexual identity is not necessarily the same as one’s sexual orientation or sexual behavior, due to various reasons, such as the fear of identifying their sexual orientation in a homophobic setting.

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?
Sappho and Erinna in a Garden at Mytilene by Simeon Solomon, 1864

Things to consider

Having sex for the first time can be a little frustrating, no matter who you are or who you want to have sex with.

Given that there are so many myths and misconceptions about lesbian sex, it’s important to educate yourself on how sex can work and how to practice safer sex.

Here’s what you need to know. (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)

Any person can have any type of sex

Before we talk about lesbian sex, let’s talk about what the idiom means.

Often people use the term “lesbian sex” for sex between two women. If that’s the case, keep in mind that those women may not identify as lesbians.

For example, they may describe themselves as bisexual, pansexual, queer, or even heterosexual. Sex between women is not limited to lesbians. (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)

Also, keep in mind that “lesbian sex” isn’t limited to cisgender couples.

It also includes other people with a vagina, people with a penis, and people with intersex genitalia.

For example, heterosexual couples can have oral, manual, or penetrating sex. It all depends on the couple and what they like to do. (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)

Similarly, lesbian sex – or sex between women, whether cis or transgender – can include any type of sex you want to try. (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

Sex means different things to different people

Through school, the media, and our communities, most of us learn that sex is about a penis entering the vagina.

While many people only view penis-in-vagina sex as “real” sex, the definition of sex is fluid. Sex means different things to different people.

Here is an incomplete list of what may count as sex for you:

1.oral sex performed on the vagina, penis, or anus

2. manual sex, including hand jobs, fingering, clitoral play, anal play, and fisting

3. breast and nipple play

4. penis-in-vagina sex

5. penis-in-anus sex

6. using sex toys

7. mutual masturbation

8. genital rubbing

9. kissing and cuddling

So what counts as “lesbian sex” is really up to the person who does it. You can define sex as broadly or as narrowly as you want! (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

Don’t believe everything you’ve heard

There are many myths about the lesbian sex. Here’s some:

  • Someone has to be “the man” in the scenario. Some people believe that one partner does all the penetration while the other does all the receiving. This is the dynamic for some couples, but not all — and remember, penetrating doesn’t make you a “man.” (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)
  • It’s easier because you’re both women. Remember that just because you’re both women doesn’t mean you have the same genitals — for example, one person might be a cis woman with a vagina, while the other might be a trans woman with a penis. Even if you do have the same genitals, every body is different. What one partner finds pleasurable, another partner might find boring. (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)
  • You have to use a strap-on. Strap-ons are sex toys that are often penis-like in shape. They attach to one partner’s pelvis using a harness or underwear-like attachment. They can be used to penetrate the vagina or anus. While these can be enjoyable, they’re not a must-have. Whether you use one is up to you.
  • You have to scissor. Scissoring is when two people with vaginas open their legs and rub their vulvas together. While some people enjoy this, it’s a huge myth that all lesbians do this. Many people find it impractical and unpleasurable.
  • Orgasm is the end goal. Most people think that sex ends when one or both partners orgasm. This doesn’t have to be the case. Sex can be pleasurable without orgasming, and it’s totally fine to stop having sex without one or both of you orgasming. (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)
  • You don’t need to worry about STIs or pregnancy. It’s possible to get pregnant if one partner has a penis and another has a vagina. It’s also possible to spread STIs from one person to another, no matter what their genitals are.

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

If you haven’t already, get familiar with your own anatomy

Masturbation can help you relax and understand what works for you.

You may find it enjoyable to touch yourself in certain places and with certain movements. This can help you tell your partner what you like. (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)

And if your partner has the same anatomy as you, masturbating can help you navigate their anatomy better. It can also give you a good idea of what they might like.

Remember that everyone is different. What is pleasant for one person may not be pleasant for the next. (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

Be prepared to communicate with your partner

How Do Lesbians Have Sex

Asking permission is very important.

Even if your partner has already said that they want to have sex, it’s important to check in before the time comes.

Remember that they, like you, have the right to withdraw your consent during sex. (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)

If you’re nervous, talk to your partner about it. Share if you’ve never had sex or do certain sexual activities before.

Ask them what they like to do or what they would like to try, or share your own ideas. (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)

Not sure what to say? Here are some phrases you can use before or during sex:

  • Can I kiss you?
  • Can we do [sexual activity]?
  • Can I take your clothes off?
  • Would you like to have sex?
  • I’d like to do [sexual activity]. What do you think?
  • Are you enjoying yourself?
  • Should I stop?
  • Are you comfortable with this?

You should never make assumptions about what your partner does or doesn’t want.

Always meet with them and ask them what they want before moving on to the next level.

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

What to expect from breast and nipple play

Remember that some people have sensitive nipples, so be gentle and ask your partner how much pressure they want you to apply.

Breast and nipple play could include:

  • rubbing nipples between your forefingers
  • gently pulling nipples
  • licking, sucking, or kissing nipples or breasts
  • using sex toys on nipples, such as nipple clamps, or using a vibrator or feather tickler on nipples
  • using ice blocks or tingling lube on nipples to produce interesting sensations (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

What to expect from manual genital or anal stimulation

If your partner has a vagina

Manual stimulation is about using your hands to please your partner. Experiment with different movements, different types of pressure, and different speeds.

Depending on their anatomy and personal preferences, you can try:

  • rubbing their clitoris by trying circular and up-down motions at various speeds and pressures
  • using a finger to find their G-spot, a rough patch of tissue in the vaginal wall
  • lightly touching the area around their clitoris or vagina in a teasing motion (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)
  • touching the skin just outside of their anus
  • penetrating their anus with your fingers (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)

If your partner has a penis

There are many ways to manually stimulate someone who has a penis. Some ideas include:

  • performing a hand job by holding their penis firmly and gliding your hand up and down; ask your partner which speed and pressure they’d prefer
  • gently rubbing or massaging the head of their penis
  • touching and rubbing their scrotum and perineum, which is the area between the scrotum and anus
  • touching the skin just outside of their anus (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)
  • penetrating their anus with your fingers

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

What to expect from oral genital or anal stimulation

Oral stimulation is exactly what it sounds like, using your mouth and tongue to please your partner.

If your partner has a vagina

You can kiss, lick, or suck the:

  • clitoris
  • area around the clitoris or vagina
  • vaginal opening
  • inner thighs
  • anus

If your partner has a penis

You could kiss, lick, or suck the:

  • penis
  • scrotum and perineum
  • inner thighs
  • anus

What to expect from fingering, fisting, and other penetration

Penetration is often associated with penises, but you can enter the vagina or anus with a number of different things, such as your fingers, fist, or sex toy. (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)


Remember that penis-in-vagina sex can lead to pregnancy, so talk to your partner about birth control options.

You can try:

  • penis-in-vagina sex
  • fingering the vagina
  • fisting the vagina
  • inserting a dildo or vibrator


If you’re going to have anal sex, you need a little more preparation.

The anus does not produce its own natural lubrication, so it is very important to use a lubricant.

Go gently, as the lining of the walls of the anus is thinner than that of the vagina. (How Do Lesbians Have Sex?)

You can try:

  • penis-in-anus sex
  • fingering the anus
  • fisting the anus
  • inserting a dildo or vibrator
  • using an anal plug or other toy designed specifically for the anus

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

Positions to try

Squeezing Squirrel Cup Dog Toys,Dog Toys,Squeezing Squirrel,Cup Dog Toys

There are probably hundreds of different sex positions, but now is not the time to try your luck at erotic gymnastics.

Start with the tried-and-true moves below and go from there.

For oral or manual sex, try lying down with your legs open

Lie on your back with your legs open. If it’s more comfortable, you can bend your knees.

Your partner can then lie on their stomach between your legs.

For penis-in-vagina sex, missionary usually works

Missionary is notorious for being boring – but it doesn’t have to be!

In this position, the person with the vagina lies on his back. The person with a penis lies face down on them and inserts his penis into his vagina.

If you want, you can put a pillow under your pelvis to elevate it. This can improve the angle and make it more enjoyable for both of you.

For penetrative anal sex, doggy-style is often comfortable

To do this, the punctured person stands on all fours with his knees open.

They can rest their head on their forearms or straighten their forearms and keep their back straight.

The donor can then kneel behind them and enter their anus with their fingers, penis or sex toy.

You can also try this position for oral stimulation of the anus.

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

Remember, many sex acts can transmit an STI

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, nearly 20 million Americans contract a sexually transmitted infection (STI) each year.

Your individual STI risk depends on a range of factors, including:

  • what sexual activities you’re doing
  • both you and your partner’s sexual history
  • whether you use condoms or other barrier methods

Remember, you can contract an STI regardless of you or your partner’s anatomy.

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

Pregnancy may also be possible

Too often people assume that lesbians can’t get pregnant or that lesbian sex won’t result in pregnancy. This is a myth based on the assumption that both women are cisgender.

If one of the partners is transgender and has a penis and the other is cisgender and has a vagina, they can have penis sex inside the vagina.

In most cases, this means pregnancy is possible.

If you want to avoid pregnancy, talk to your partner about birth control.

This may include a combination of hormonal contraception such as the pill and condoms.

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

How to practice safer sex

Here are a few ways to reduce your risk of STIs and other infections:

  • Dental dams. Use These if you’re performing oral sex, either on the vagina or the anus.
  • External condoms. You can use these for penis-in-vagina sex, penis-in-anus sex, or oral sex on penises.
  • Internal condoms. You can use these for penis-in-vagina sex or penis-in-anus sex.
  • Gloves or finger cots. These can protect you during manual-genital stimulation, such as fingering, hand jobs, and clitoral stimulation. They may feel more comfortable when used with lube.
  • Hand hygiene. When it comes to fingering, clitoral stimulation, and hand jobs, hand hygiene is essential. Always wash your hands beforehand to avoid spreading germs. You should also keep your nails short if you plan on penetrating someone with your fingers. This helps prevent cuts and tears, which can be painful and lead to infections. You can also insert cotton balls into rubber gloves to provide a different sensation.
  • Lubricate. Lube is great for penetrative sex of all kinds because it lowers the risk of tearing and irritation inside of the vagina or anus. It’s especially important for anal sex because, unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t make its own lubricant.
  • Keep all toys clean. Sex toys can transfer infections from one person to another, so clean sex toys thoroughly in between use. You may also consider putting a condom on dildos and other penetrative toys before use — this can make it easier to clean, as well as offer a different sensation.
  • Get tested regularly. Whether you have a consistent partner or have more sporadic sex, getting tested is important. Your doctor or other healthcare provider can advise you on how frequently to test and what to test for.

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

The bottom line

While the thought of having sex for the first time can be overwhelming, the good news is there’s lots of information to help you along the way.

The better news is that sex is a skill – and the more you practice, the better you will get at it!

If you have questions, it may be helpful to speak with an LGBTQ+-friendly healthcare provider. They can offer more specific information and help point you to other resources.

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

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